guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
