Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
