remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
