sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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