Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
