oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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