I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
