because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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