You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
