Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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