I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
