I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So squirting runs in the family.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Congratulations! We have a period
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