I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize