and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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