I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
