I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
