I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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