dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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