I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
