I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
