i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can I color on your dick again?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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