Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have aggressive nipples.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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