Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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