Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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