The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
