Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
