he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
