dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Panties = found
Randomize
