you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
