Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
