I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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