you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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