you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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