The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
