Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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