It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
