You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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