dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
