is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
