I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
