Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
