i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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