U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
