dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
