You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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