My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize