If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
