it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
