Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
