Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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