I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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