Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
