life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
