Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
