Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
