sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
