this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
