I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
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