I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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