i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
