I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
