She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
