I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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