he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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