Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
