Swine flu. Run for my life!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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