I only kidnapped one of them. chill
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
