Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
