i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize