Where did you get a picture of my penis
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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